Love Unreturned The AnniChristina Story
by Anni the Diva
Summary: This is a badfic. Hopefully when you read this you'll laugh your pants off.


Unreturned Love or, Anni-Christina and Clark and Lois by Anni the Diva  
  
This is, like, my first fic in like, EVER!! No flames, please! ?  
  
Lois and Clark were at work. It's a good newspaper and many people all over the planet read the Planet. Lois sat at her desk and began to type up a story about a robbery two blocks away from where Lana Lang lived for a while. Clark had just ran to go and get Lois a large, gigantic, miniscule cup of coffee because she had been so stressed out that day that she was yelling at Jimmy and the new copygirl, Margaret-Haneldrianildaketmaidamaris Saratoga, or Anni-Christina, for short. The new copygirl had ankle-length hair that looked fire-engine red, light brown sugar brown, molasses brown, or the very lightest honey shade of faerie-blonde, depending on the colour of her eyes at the moment.   
  
"Lois, here's your coffee" Clark said as he handed her her coffee.  
  
"Ow! Clark it's burning hot!" she said as she set the cup down, just as quick as she could. "How can you stand to hold it?" "I'm sorry Lois I didn't realise how hot it was." Which was truthful enough, cuz his Kryptonian molecular struction protected him from coffee burns, so he'd never had one in his entire life, cuz when he was a small boy in Smallville, his ma never let him drink coffee. Lois looked at Clark like he had lost his cotton somewhere in his small Smallvanian mind and looked like she was gonna say something, when Perry White, who was the Editor in-Cheif of the Daily Planet stopped her from causing more damage.   
  
"Lois, I want you to go home and take some Midol. Clark, would you please take our new copygirl and show her around the newsroom?" His face started beaming at just the mere thought of Anni-Christina. Lois didn't look very happy about Mr. White's orders or that Clark would be showing the new girl around, but they left before she could say anything. So she went home to take some Midol and watch 'Days of Our Lives.' Clark had walked off with the New Girl, Anni-Christina to show her around the newsroom and escape the wrath of Lois.   
  
He started with Mr. White's office. "This is Perry's office Anni-Christina." he said as they walked out of the newsroom and into his office. Anni-Christina nodded and looked around the room. It's very nice They walked back out and moved through the newsroom. "And this, as you already know is the newsroom." I've always dreamed of working for a great Neapolitan newspaper...................................This is a dream come true......................." She inhaled deeply of the power of the pen. Clark continued on the tour, but Anni-Christina was still drunk on the emotion she had felt in that single, solitary, supplemental, [*1] moment, when she inhaled the newsprint. After the tour Clark returned to Lois's desk so that he could finish writing the story about the robbery and also another story he was working on about how a worldwide celebrity was actually doing the write thing and giving all his money away to a charity called the Save the Archive and MSN Chats Fund. When he was finished, he checked his email and as soon as he logged in he heard a cry for help. *Help, Superman!* He headed to the nearest broom closet while restraining his Super-Speed and passed James Olsen. "Hey, CK, where ya goin'…"but alas, he was already gone.  
  
As it turned out Superman was needed for Lois who had somehow been captured by some evil bomb detonator makers. She was screaming for help at the top of her lungs, trying to make Superman hear her before the missile went off. She was also sitting in a chair with her hands tied behind her back and her mouth has a piece of duck tape over it. She screamed, "Help, Superman!" hoping with her entire heart mind soul and aura that Superman would answer before the grenade went off. Suddenly behind her she heard the voice of an angel, that of Margaret-Haneldrianilmaris, or Anni-Christina for short. Anni-Christina said 'Lois how in the world the universe and all of Hyperion Avenue over on the other side of town did you end up here sitting next to a nucular weapon?" "Oh, I don't know, now just shut up and get these insufferable things off of me!" Lois shouted at poor Anni-Christina who had just happened to be in the wrong/right place at the wrong/right time. [Author's Note: It was wrong since she was getting yelled at, but it was right because she's going to rescue Lois, you see!] Anni-Christina immediately set her lily-white hands to untying Lois's hands and feet and prying the duck tape off her mouth, pausing only once to wipe her alabaster brow which furrowed with determination as a couple of knots decided to be stubborn that day. Will I ever get them off? She wondered to herself, but she did not say this aloud, for fear that she might frighten Lois. She worked and worked and finally................................the knots fell freely to the ground. "'S'bout time" Lois muttered ungratefully. "I'm outta here…." At that very moment, The Man of Steel himself, the Last Son of Krypton, the Pride of Metropolis, and usual rescuer of Lois Lane burst the door down. "Lois, are you alright?" He asked in that manly-strong voice of his. He gazed enrapturedly endeared into her dirt-brown eyes.   
  
Anni-Christina, who had rescued Lois and not Superman just stood watching them. All her life she had waited for that special someone and the older she got the more it looked like she would never find her Superman. She had once thought that this one guy named David Ryan could possibly be THE ONE, but he had ditched her in favour of 'better opportunities'. Her heart was broken because she thought he could be THE ONE and because all their friends took his side. But eventually her heart would go on and on. I wonder where he is now........................................He was my first love..........................................and I loved and lost............................. She snapped back to reality when Superman said "I've got to get you out of here!" So he took Lois under his right arm and Anni-Christina under his left, and got out of there faster than was humanly possible, and barely Kryptonianly. Later, at the Planet, Lois wrote the story and yelled at Clark for finishing her story. Anni-Christina made infinitely numerous copies, one office memo for each desk. All the other Planet Employees did what they were supposed to and got along. Clark didn't have any more bathroom breaks left, so he had to hold it for the rest of the day. Anni-Christina delivered all of her copies with a smile, and was friendly to everyone so everyone was friendly back. Except for Lois that is She was not friendly at all. In fact the only person she was civil to was Clark, maybe cuz her Midol had finally kicked in. Clark spoke entrustingly to her lovingly caressing her stresses with his spoken-aloud words, and she began to calm down.   
  
Anni-Christina had saved Lois and Clarks desk for last because she did not want to get yelled at again by the PMS Lois and because Clark was nice to her. As she walked up to the desk, she nostalgicized about her second love, Vinnie Q. Vinnie was so nice to me.....................................he took my side in the war, even though he didn't understand at first..........................................and then he brought me flowers when I fell off the ladder and had to go to the hospital.....................................and he made me feel like a princess.................................but then he left me for 'Better Opportunities............................and once again, I lost a man I loved........................................ She desperately fought back tears as she walked up to the desks and pasted her widest, friendliest smile on her face.  
  
"Hello, Miss Lane, Clark." She turned toward Clark and smiled extry-wide. He also put on that drop-dead smile of his. "Thank you for saving Lois Anni-Christina. You acted so heroinely that I am going to talk to Perry about a promotion." "For me, Clark? You'd do that for me?" "Of course Anni-Christina. After all you are one of the Planet's finest and I don't see why he'd say no." "Oh thank you, Clark!" She jumped up and threw her arms around his neck with exultatingly excited energy! "You know I'd do anything for you, Clark." She lifted her eyes to his natrually golden-tan face, to his onyx-black eyes, his opal-and-shiney-white teeth, his ripe watermelon lips. He noticed she was staring at his lips and so he let her slide back down from his arms. "Lois and I are going to see Perry right now Anni-Christina. Please wait right here for your answer." Clark gave her one last smile and squeezed her hand in a way that made her hand oddly tingle and reformed to Perry's office. Inside Perry's office was a desk, Perry's big chair, a couple of smaller chairs for employees and a ten-foot-tall statuette of King Elvis Aron Presley I. Perry said, "come in." so they did. "Perry, today Anni-Christina saved Lois's life and even beat Superman to rescuing her. Don't you think she deserves a promotion?" "Why, of course!" Mr. White basked. "Why, I knew the first time I laid eyeballs on that girl that she'd become the Planet's star journalist! Come on, let's tell her!" They walked back out. "Anni-Christina, you're going to become the Planet's newest reporter!" "Oh, thank you, Mr. White! You're the father I never had!" She gave him a fatherly hug and he handed her a writing PADD. "This, my dear, is the same writing PADD that I used when I was a young journalist. I too saved someone's life and that is how I became a journalist. You can't become a journalist without saving someone's life, you know." Anni-Christina nodded telepathically. Clark beamed and Lois even gave a Cheshire-Cat, small, satisfied smile at them, remembering when she first started at the Planet, many years before this. Anni-Christina was staying with her best friends Rose Atir, Mireh McKay and Tana Kultip. So after her long and most eventful day she went home to her flat [that's apartment, to the Americans!] They ate their homemade lasagna and freshly churned cottage cheese and washed it down with Evian. Then, since it was Monday night they turned on their favorite television show, 'Littletown', which was followed by 'Enterity Forest.' Mireh was heartbroken and devastated and in grief when she saw that Petrov went to prison, but Tana comforted her by telling her that she'd read the spoilers online and that Trey, the young, powerful businessman who lived in Littletown, but had somehow ended up in Eternty Forest, would pay the bail money so that Trey could get out so that he could marry Haleigh. Finally, right before they went to bed, Anni-Christina told them all the good news, and they all jumped for joy and they were like, "Congratulations, Anni-Christina! We knew you could finally rescue someone!"  
  
"Well, thanks guys. I know you all have been very supportive of me and my career change, from being a doctor, to a lawyer, to a flight attendant, to a karaoke superstar, but you guys have all believed in me!" Anni-Christina's eyes, which looked opal in some lights, green or even grey in others, and a gorgeous mix of sunset blue and pink in still others, began tearing up. Her friends all ran up to her and hugged her in support of her new promotion. Then they all went to sleep, each in her own room.   
  
The next day, Anni-Christina started her new job as a reporter. She was very excited and was eagerly awaiting her approval. She ate a well-balanced breakfast of Kellogg's Corn Flakes, fruit, and milk, with toast and marmalade on the side. Then she walked joyfully for three miles until she got from her flat to the Daily Planet, her great Neapolitan newspaper. On her way, during the 7 miles that she had to walk, she saw Superman flying high in the sky. He seemed to be in a hurry, so she didn't stop and speak to him. She began singing.   
  
"By the light, of the silvery moon......................................I'm gonna swoon, to my honey I'll croon love's tune!......................................"  
  
Anni-Christina had dreamed of Clark, and in her dream was also Superman. They both seemed to care a lot for Lois. She admired that in a man, in the man of her dreams. She arrived each day at the Planet with plenty of time to spare, so she decided to help the janitorial staff by dusting off a couple of lifts [That's elevators, for you Americans!] She walked into the newsroom with five minutes to spare and she saw Clark and Lois once again sitting at their desks. One day, she went along with Clark and Lois on an assignment. She saw Lois and Clark sitting in the cold, wet, merciful rain on a park bench in a park. She saw Clark get down on his very firm knees and say something earnest to Lois. Anni-Christina moved as close as she could, within her ability, to that she could hear what in the world the universe and all of Hyperion Avenue over on the other side of town they were glumly conversing about. Clark squinted through his rain-filled spectacles and enthused, "Lois Joanne Lane will you please spend forever and eternity and infinity and all that is in the Phantom Zone with me, in infinite wedded bliss?" Anni-Christina gasped at this credulously killjoy surprise. She continued gawking her eyes upon the two reporters and wished she had brought her mackintosh [That's a raincoat, for you Americans!] "Clark, may I ask *YOU* a question?" "Why, of course," Clark answered like he was in a hurry for her to just get on with it and say YES! "Clark, who's asking, you, as in, Clark Kent--man I love, my partner and best friend, and soul mate, or Superman, the object of my untying admiralsion and devotion and passion?" Clark's mouth made an O just like a watermelon Froot Loop and Anni-Christina also made one. Lois slid his trifocal glasses off the his eyes and they both stood up and gaped at each other. Lois must have had PMS again because she didn't look happy. "Clark, I can't believe you lied to me. I trusted, you, and I told you stuff!" They began walking away, leaving Anni-Christina to muse lightly. Look their fighting again.....................................I bet I could make him happy........................................I could accept him and the fact that I might have alien half-breen spawn..................................I could take care of him anyway...................................Ay, me!..............................  
  
Lois ran off back home and Clark was left standing as the rain began pooring but he didn't notice because of his Kryptonian molecular struction which saved him. The next day, at the great Neapolitan newspaper Lois treated Clark quite meanly and devilish and yelled at James, while Anni-Christina mourned and felt like crying on her godmother all day. Perry called his wife and invited Anni-Christina over for dinner but she did not want to go at all. Even though Alice was the mother she never had. Perry pleaded, wailing, 'You should come! Alice really wants to meet you!" So she agreed, putting on a spunky face. Alice made freshly made Fettuccine Alfredo with freshy newly churned chips [That's French Fries, for you Americans [*2]"Thank you for the meal, Mrs. White." "Oh, that's arlight, and call me Alice, darling!" "Oh, thank you, Alice! I had not been feeling the greatest today and was very angst-filled and morbid and depressed and saddened by livelyhood. But today I realised that I just needed to be optimistic and smile! And follow my heart." "why, that's wonderful, dear!" Her adopted parents were very proud of their adopted journalist heroine daughter. "Why, it makes me want to sing!" Feeling very chipper, she began singing Saria's song, followed by the 'ballad of the wind fish,' and then she warbled 'Eyes on Me." Her voice carried all throughout the meadows and streams, and valleys and lakes. The melodies stretched far and wide through the galaxies, and everyone wondered, 'what a beautiful voice.................................it's what I was searching for all my life....................................' "And Anni-Christina dearie, do you know that you saved our marriage?" "I did???????????" "Yes! Perry had been spending too much time away from home, so I was going to divorce him but now I won't have to because I'll be coming to the Planet anyway to visit my adopted daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Oh, I'm so happy!" All three of them began turning roundoffs and went out to shoot Archery.  
  
The music drifted into Clark's earsdrums. He and Lois were floating high across the stars, and Lois had just agreed to forgive Clark and accept his proposal. His bright red cape fluttered in the breeze and he was joyful. Lois had agreed to marry me and be my spouse.....................................I hope we can be happy together...................................that would be a very nice thing..................................... Lois also began to float her thoughts........................................Clark and I have made up.............................................my life is finally complete........................................I'm so happy...................................I'm so overjoyed..................................Clark can take me to Paris for dinner and he can bring me vegemite from Austria, if I want him to............................................it's a dream come true for me!............................................ Her intoxicating reverie was broken when Clark said "Lois, let us go down and tell Maw and Paw of our upcoming nuptual ceremony. As they slowly floated to planet earth Clarks eardrums felt the sweet siren sound of singing. I've never heard anything so ..........................................beautiful..........................................in all my..........................................putrid existence......................................[Clark used lots of big fancy-shmancy words cuz he was a writer, you see!]..........................................how could I have existed without hearing that noise.....................................  
  
Lois did not hear that said sweet siren sound so slowly she said 'Clark, I love...........................you.......even though it will be hard.........................................to trust a man, after what happened how my father abandoned us..............................................but I trust you……………and that I'll be your little princess................................" But Clark was not listening. His ears were full. The siren sound was signaling to him. "Lois, I think I'll take you home now, but I'll talk to you tomorrow." "alright, *SUPERMAN* *WINK, WINK!* I'll do anything you say!" Clark hurriedly, fervently, gently, painstakingly, kissed her on the forhead and left her standing on her windowsill's balcony. Superman followed the sound of the siren all the way to the meadow where Anni-Christina was. She was wearing a long flowing dress that blew in the wind and changed colours, depending on which colour her eyes looked. Sometimes it looked moon-mist green, or emerald green, or jade, or bright-Kryptonian-sun red, or passion purple mountains majesty violet, or moonshine gold, or the same colour as the very pits of the blackest black cat. He floated waftily down to her and settled in the luscious emerald green grass. She shut her mouth when she saw the ultimate man alight on the surface of the ground. "Hello Superman." "Hello Anni-Christina." "That's the most beautiful song I've ever touched my eardrums with." "Oh, that is so cool!" "Superman............................." Anni-Christina paused breathily and patiently then said some more "Superman you know I could make you happy............................................" Superman stared at her with those dreamy eyes of his and mournfully said "Anni-Christina......................................" How can I break this to her............................................how will I make her understand...................................... "Anni-Christina.................................you are one of the most special girls Ive ever met in my putrid existence but you have to understand why we can never be together...................................I love...........................Lois..................................we're soulmates................................bonded together throughout................................eternity..............................................." I need to make him see...............................that I could.................................make him happy................................. "Clark I know youre secret and that you are the Manly Man of Steel and that Lois proposed to you and that you she dumped you when you told her................................who you really were................................inside..........................................you are superman...................the saviour of millians........................................and both Planets..................................."   
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::UnTanked Ending!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Clark entranced into her eyes and said "Anni-Christina, I can't be with you because I'm in love with Lois....................................but I'll tell you what..................................I'll talk to Lois tomorrow and see if it would be okay with her if we adopted you..................................okay?" Anni-Christina's dreams had just risen up to the highest heavens, then, fallen to the lowest abysses of grieving................................and then................................back up like a soaring dove!!!!!............................................. "Of course I'll be adopted by you!   
  
So they flew back to Vegas where Clark and Lois got married by Tom Jones in a 'What's New, PussyCat themed wedding where Anni-Christina was the bridesmaid and James was the groomsman. Anni-Christina wore a feathery dress made of the palest pink flamingo and it made her complexion glow. "Do you Lois take this man.................................*SUPER*man............................ ..... Lois Superman and Anni-Christina all thought at the exact same time To be your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold for richer or for pourer for sicker or for heathy as long as the both of you are alive?.................................Lois thought and thought Do I really want to be Mrs Superman and live with him for eternity wedded bliss.................................is that what I want.................................my parents had a unhappy marriage.................................will I have one too.................................that would be horrible.................................but I belive.................................we will be.................................happy.................................together. ...............................forever.......................................... misty tears formed in Lois eyedrops and she gasped loudly I do!!!  
  
The reverand Jones turned to superman and spoke "Do you Clark take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife to have and to hold to love and care for in sickness and in health til death do you part?" Clark thought and thought as he pondered his lifechange and thought Do I really want to marry Lois.......................................she's my soul mate.......................................I've waited for this day my entire....................................putrid...................................exis tence....................................no rain...................................or sleet.................................or thick of night...................................or bad historians...................................could separate.................................our love.................................it is.................................eternity.................................or die................................I do he answered rhythmicly "I now pronounce you Husband and Spouse..................................you may kiss the bride!" Clark and Lois barely heard them because they were too busy giving smoochies……their first kiss as man and whife in holy matrimony played out like a tinking cymbal and a resounding gong. The music played all over the universe as if it were a beautiful aria. The two of them floated down to earth and commenced with their hunnymoon. Anni-Christina and James sat in the moonlight and James thougth she is so.................................lovely.................................and..... .............................gorgeous...............I wonder.......................................... Anni-Christina, "he breathed "Anni-Christina, would.................................." she knew that he was going to kiss her. He leaned in softly and moved in for the kill. She tilted her head to the right and James did the exact same thing. She leaned in and he leaned in and finally............................................their lips met for the first time. Sparks flew like a spark plug buzzes and their passion rose and they decided, I've found that special someone.......................................  
  
THE END  
  
*1: Anita's Word *1: K'Cir told me  
  
-------------------- Lois: "Kent is a hack from Smallville. I couldn't make that name up." 


End file.
